My Cup Overfloweth - and So Doth My Plate!

I should have smiled!

Oh! The feeling of being FULL.  So full that I can/could barely walk.  So full that within 10 minutes of leaving the dinner table, I am/was slumped over asleep on the couch!

Call it comfort eating, call it overindulgence, I call it ‘the American Way’.  I don’t know many people who - at some point during their week, possibly even daily - don’t eat this way.  Is it healthy?  I don’t think so, no matter what we are eating.  I learned this - or taught myself this - eating habit at an incredibly young age.  I retrained my tastebuds and my eating habits, from the age of 24-26.  Once I became pregnant, I had, or my body had, completely forgotten how to ride the bicycle called satiety and is still rocking the training wheels.

I have heard that while pregnant, a woman cycles back through all of her life experiences and has a chance to ‘experience’ them all over again.  For me, this was the case.  Also, for me, the only thing I can compare it to is quitting smoking for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time, each time exponentially more difficult than the last.

I have said this before, I think:  The first time I went raw, I did it overnight.  Whatever it was that sparked that intense burst of inspiration to carry me on through the next few years was incredibly powerful.  At the time, I was 24 and a bartender, a dj and a slam poet of sorts.  I was immersed in a world I would call ‘the night life’.  Surrounded by people with some pretty insane habits and routines - and I was one of them.  I think at some point, which must have been the day I ate a fully raw meal for the first time at Karyn’s in Chicago, I caught a glimpse of what was possible in the realm of ‘feeling’ regarding being healthy.  Maybe, just maybe, I got mad enough to leave it all behind.  What followed in the next four years was an amazing transformation, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  It continues to unfold everyday, although I am not exactly a ‘100 percent raw foodie’.  This is part of my journey.

“What is in the way, is the way.” Guy Finley

I read this out of a longer quote posted on a friends facebook page yesterday.  What I typed is simply what I would consider the most important piece out of all of what I would consider to be his ‘logorreahic’ method of making incredibly simple things into way too many words.  But I digress.

Actually, there it is.  I am making a mountain out of a molehill.  I can remember after a couple of years being raw and having read a considerable amount of books on “The Raw Food Diet”, laughing because I had a hard time understanding why people would spend more time reading about Raw Food than actually just eating Raw Food.  The logic - or complete lack thereof, defied me.  I would see people ‘on the search’ for answers to some of the most pointless questions - meaningless distractions.  Fast forward 6 years later, I am that person.  I am that person thinking that ‘if I could just find an interesting book to spark my fire, suddenly my passion for raw food will be reignited.  I have to laugh at being ‘that guy’ I used to laugh at.  

Not too bad, I'm getting there!

I can see where this echos out in ripples throughout my life.  For example, I also have had a fascination with facebook in as much as when I log out, I feel regret, like I have ‘wasted time’ I could have spent doing something more valuable.  The fixer in me may think that reading a book on how to get organized would be a great and inspiring solution, when in fact, the best idea may be simply to dodge my urge to get on facebook and instead fast forward myself in my mind to what I would think I ‘should have done’ after I logged out of facebook and just do that instead.  I hope there is at least one person still on this train of thought with me! If I have lost you, my apologies.  I am making a correlation between my eating habits and other lifestyle habits and trying to demonstrate how they are related and it is my hope I am delivering it clearly.  I hope I am delivering it clearly because I believe if I can address the root cause of all of this distraction and relieve it, all things emanating from it will cease.

To put it in short, my fascination with facebook is to my love for distraction as my fascination with eating and regretting it later is to my love for/my addiction to a guilty feeling.  The same could also be said for pretty much anything I do in place of what I really feel and know is best at that time.  It is simply an aberration from what is important to me at my core.  How did I get here to this spot of comfort in discomfort - and not the healthy discomfort?  That thought right there is simply another distraction.  Do you see where I am going with this?  There is always a payoff!  Although, I may not honestly be willing or able to see it, I want one result more than the other.  I want to feel regretful more than I want to feel accomplished.  I want to have my eating to complain about more than I want to feel the power of discretion.  Whether this stems from the complete arrogance I had when I was high raw before - because I was a total a-hole about food - and my fear of becoming that person again, or I am just plain lazy, only time -  and deep inquiry - will tell.

I feel the best way to approach things right now is to wonder what all of this distraction is about.  I could ask myself: What process am I trying to slow down with these pearls of distraction?  Is there fear here?  Fear of what?  Am I scared to feel great again because I will lose my ability to relate to my family and friends and their aches and pains, illness and problems?  Am I afraid to rise above because the eagle soars alone?  Do I wish I were simply able to just ‘let loose’ and be indifferent about things?  How do I approach raw food in a way that doesn’t alienate the people around me?

I LOVE MY BODY, REALLY =D

The answer to the last question I come up with immediately is: there isn’t a way to approach raw food that doesn’t alienate people.  I feel it confronts people’s beliefs and fundamental foundation of life in such a way that right away people feel overwhelmed and offended.  This also is based in the belief that the simple act of eating in itself is so deeply rooted in our lives that any thought of doing ‘eating’ in a different way throws us for quite a loop!  This is my instant point of view.  I know that right now when I am around 100% raw foodies I feel alienated!  I can feel the machinery in my head start running beneath my calm, warm exterior, justifying my lack of diligence and discretion, shooting down anything I can about the other’s ‘being’, telling myself that there’s no way they can feel ‘that great’, when I, myself, truly know better after over 4 years of experience myself!

Where this is all leading is that I am aware of my intentional misleading of myself and I am in a complete sense of wonder about it.  There are other places I could go with this, but I prefer to stay here and ask myself thoughtful questions like the ones above and see what I come up with.  Approaching myself like a dirty cop in an interrogation room will get me nowhere.  However, maybe with a coffee and some doughnuts - pun intended - this little hungry person inside will be more willing to spill her beans and let go.  Until then, I see my body in pictures and in bellydance class and right now, I genuinely love it.  I wish I had some crazy daisy philosophy to pin it to, but really, I don't.  I am sexy!  There are some changes I would love to see and I will see them when I make the appropriate adjustments - and I know that I will.  Life is too short to trip.  I have so much to be grateful for and to realize that I am a human with perfectly functioning limbs, eyes and ears, that I get to eat each day whenever and whatever I choose, I am youthful, I have a healthy, beautiful body and pretty much any opportunity within my imagination - as long as I am willing to do what it takes to seize it - is within my reach, is a blessing in itself.

What are your thoughts on this?  I am interested if you see any parallels in your own life, or think I am simply bat shit crazy. Maybe you see some resemblance here and there or maybe I lost you somewhere.  Either way, I would love for you to share your thoughts with me!

Thanks for tuning in, until next time:

Love,

Andrea