Back to the Drawing Board. (FAIL)

Today, I blog about me and for me.  Maybe you can identify with this, maybe you don’t want to read this, up to you!

According to my emails I am getting from 'The Raw Divas', while fasting/cleansing/etc, emotions come up.  We can either eat to stifle these emotions or we can move through them.  Yesterday, I made a choice to do the first.  Today, I am offering myself the opportunity to do the latter and start again.

I feel like I can’t be a part of my family, have friends and be myself at the same time.  As if it’s one or the other.  

I think back to the times when I was 100% raw, bartending, dj’ing, living in California, doing my thing there, and just being Andrea in general.  I wasn’t exactly humble, I did what I wanted when I wanted and didn't fringe upon the rights of anyone else.  I wasn’t the person anyone called when they needed help moving - because they knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I wasn’t the person people called on when they ‘needed’ something - even a good friend.  I wasn’t a daughter my parents beamed upon with pride and I wasn’t particularly worried about it, either.  I was doing EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO BE DOING.  Not worried about what they thought, trying to meet others’ expectations and not looking to others to define my sense of self.  

These days, I find myself bending to meet the needs of others, putting others needs before the needs of me and some days - like today - I get really sad.  I am not saying that the person I ‘was’ is in any way a better person than the person I am today - it is hard to compare the two, as I am in a completely different mindset than I used to be - and a completely different body, with a completely different set of circumstances.  I can’t even say I was happy back then.  It doesn’t stop me from looking back and feeling like I have lost something along the way to the person I am today, something I really would like to have back.  What that something is I am unable to define.  It seems like a combination of ambition, determination, perseverance, strength and being indifferent to what other people think.  Not even indifferent, more like completely blind, as if it what people thought of me wasn’t even on my radar.

I feel like I ‘know’ what you’re thinking:  ‘Congratulations, Andrea, welcome to the world of not being a selfish a**hole!’  Well, I’ll tell you if that’s the truth, this life and way of being sucks and I would rather be a sinner than a saint.  It doesn’t ‘feel’ right, even thought socially and familially it may be the ‘right thing to do’.  I think somewhere up in the cosmos, what seems like ‘the right thing to do’ as far as society is concerned, may be, in fact, the opposite - or close to it - of the right thing to do.

Being a parent, I am constantly concerned about what other people think and feel about me - even at the stupid grocery store sometimes.  I see people look at me and wear their opinions on their faces and I let it get to me.  Perhaps they are not even thinking of me and they just walk around with screwed up looks on their faces - why do I care anyway?  Perhaps it will wear off over time, but for now it seems to be in the front of my mind.  The way this shows up in my life is me compromising who and what I am to meet  what I perceive as the needs of people around me.

For example, last night I made chicken casserole for my family, went out to eat for lunch at The Olive Garden and skipped my bellydancing class.  Why?  To meet what I perceived as the needs of the people around me.  Aya’s daddy is in town for a few days and without even thinking, I decided that going out to eat would be a fun experience for him.  Granted, I ate soup and salad and a menial amount of pasta, which, according to my standards is straight up blasphemy and I didn't even need to do (lol) considering what I am up to right now with my juice fast and transition week.  I could have just sat there and had some lemon water.  But did I?  NO.   I also decided to take my indiscretion a step further and prepare my - infamous with my family - chicken casserole (yep, it’s pretty awesome) for dinner.  Of course, I had to taste it along the way and eat some too, resulting in me waking up with puffy face, crusty eyes, a stuffy nose and a headache.  Bleh.  Four days of smoothies and great eating down the toilet.

IT IS OCCURRING TO ME THAT I COULD BE USING THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AS SCAPEGOATS FOR MY LACK OF CONVICTION, COMMITMENT AND INTEGRITY, which is an interesting conclusion to draw - and likely the correct assessment of what is happening.

So, I have to ask myself:  what is this all about?  What emotions could I be stuffing down with food and lack of exercise, conviction and integrity?  What is the payoff for all of this ‘madness’ and why am I being lazy?

Yes, it is hard being a single mom some days.  It is a 24 hour/day job.  There are no breaks, there isn’t a lot of money and sometimes I just want to hang my head and cry.  I ache to ‘belong’ somewhere, to have friends and a social life and a good steady income where my daughter is included in my work.  All of those things come at a price, whether it's time and gas or tough decisions.  What I want is a lifestyle and social life healthy for us, why is this seemingly so difficult to create?  I feel I am creating it right now, at times I get scared when I think about how sustainable it is or isn't and what sacrifices I will need to make in the future to keep it going.

I have found that ‘like minded people’ who ‘seem’ to be into meditation and yoga, raw food, ‘health’ and those sort of things seem a bit heavy to me in general, conspiracy theorists and a bit on the negative side -  ok, totally living out the fear based lifestyle.  People who are lighter and more fun are usually out drowning their (insert whatever here) with alcohol and cigarettes, and other recreational ‘junk’ etc.  Where is that happy ‘medium’ that I belong to?  Where are the people who have fun doing things they feel good about not only while they are doing them, but also the morning after?  Where are the people who have little babies and love being around them enough to make the necessary sacrifices of nights at the bar, steady streams of income from jobs they hate anyway and 

What I want is friends who like to get together and do yoga and make raw food.  Let’s do a workout tape and make a raw cheesecake and some banana ice cream and eat it ALL while watching a cheesy rom-com (romantic comedy) or awesome action thriller.  Let’s relax and fold laundry and do some crunches.  Why does this have to seem so ‘out there’ for the majority of the people I know?  Are they wanting to escape from the life they have created that badly?  Or am I simply so outside of normal (and happy to be it, by the way) that these things are completely unfathomable to a lot of people?

What is the draw for the ‘normal’ activities that we are all drawn to that seem to me to be a waste of money and time?  What is the payoff in spending hard earned money that could be over a million dollars in our savings accounts by the time we retire if we just invested it right on junk food for our minds and bodies?  Where is the payoff in temporary stifling of conscious living?  

I am sad and a little anxious when I think about my future.  Conversely, I get excited as I know I am asking the right questions and making the right mistakes.  Still, it feels like I have SO FAR TO GO.  Yes, enjoy the journey, blah blah blah.  I get that.  This is my emotional outpouring for the day, this is my cryout for peace in my little mental babylon.  I want space in my mind and clarity.  I suppose the best way to do that is to really work on my personal integrity, I am the only one with the power to create in my life.  

“If I build it, will they come?”

“Do I really want community?”  

“Why am I so afraid of not having money?”

“What is this fear all about?  When will it end?  How can I take the right steps to transmute my fear into something positive?”

“How long will it take for me to get the right results?”

“When am I going to stop polling the people around me about my life and start listening to the voice inside of me?”

The answers to these questions will come within the next few days, says the voice inside of myself.  The real question, it says to me, is are you going to finally start listening again?

Transition week starts over again tomorrow.  It is today as well, but I had a little bit of coffee and to me, that means back to the drawing board.  I have learned from my slipup.

It is not always about the food.  It is about keeping my promises to myself and doing what I say I am going to do.  It is about not being afraid of the imagined consequences: the loss of love of someone(s), poverty, etc.  I think those are my two biggest fears, loss of love and poverty.  Those are big ones, but now that I have identified them, here we go!

Transition Week, Day 1 (and yesterday's shopping list and total)

The first thought that came to my mind as my first sip (lol, more like gulp!) of my Mango Banana smoothie as I begin my ‘transition week’ is DAMN, how I have missed raw food.   It is ELECTRIFYING.  I can feel the goodness oozing into my body and filling my blood with oxygen and nutrients!

Then, I laugh at the term ‘raw food’.  Sometimes, I think it is just plain silly to have to refer to whole, unprocessed food as ‘Raw Food’ and give it a name.  Shouldn’t junk food burden the adjective?  

Anyway, I am nothing short of amazed at how I could go without this lifestyle for so long.    I even have to admit that this morning, I put off having my smoothie so that I could drink a cup of coffee while I fed Baby Aya and am collapsing breakfast with lunch (at 12:49pm).  What an interesting examination of my eating habits this transition week will provide! 

More importantly than what I feel this smoothie is doing for me, is what it’s NOT DOING to me.  There is a distinct difference between eating food in a cooked state and eating whole, unprocessed foods.  Even something as simple as using pasteurized apple juice and orange juice in smoothies makes a HUGE difference in how I feel when drinking one.  Upon drinking this smoothie, I felt what I can only describe as ‘relief’, like my body made one giant, exalted SIGH.  It isn’t burdened with figuring out what it is digesting, no white blood cells are rushing to my stomach, alerted that some mangled, unknown substance is attempting to enter my bloodstream.  Enzymes aren’t colliding with one another in my intestines, frantically attempting to decipher what insane concoction of melted, sopping, goopy (and poorly chewed) shenanigans are occurring down there, slowing down my brain activity and diverting my valuable oxygen carrying blood supply from it and down into my belly.

Instead of feeling tired, I feel energized, which I feel is a more enticing representation of what ‘should’ happen when I put FOOD in my body.  Why should my temple crumble and sputter and require rest each time I eat?  That doesn’t make sense if the purpose of eating is to provide nutrition and energy for the body.  Why would I want to eat something that makes me tired and wish I could just lay my head on my desk and pass out?

Take me the right way here, I am in no way negating that cooked food tastes great.  It sure does when that is what I am ‘used to’ eating.  However, after just one smoothie and salad, cooked food seems really unappealing without the ‘peer pressure’ from my family. If you think that raw food won’t make that much of a difference for you, it is my simple request that you try it out for two weeks and see how you feel.  Until that point, how can you really know?  I tried it that way for myself for two weeks and didn’t go back to cooked foods for almost 5 years!

Ok, I promised my shopping list and total yesterday for this week’s transitional food purchases.  This total is for EVERYTHING except the herbs and a couple of other ingredients, which I estimate to be about $10 once purchased.

Here is what I bought (@ Sam's Club):

8 mangoes

3# of lemons

12 nectarines

4# strawberries

3# almonds

1 pineapple

22 bananas

1# baby spring mix

1# spinach

6 romaine hearts

3# blueberries

3# broccoli florets

3# cherub tomatoes

Total Price:  $73.81

I am not kidding.  When I saw the total, I thought, WOW!  this is awesome!  Most weeks raw, I likely will not use anywhere near this much produce, but for a transition week, I feel it is really important to have A LOT of food on hand in the event that I need a snack or something.  I can always prepare and freeze the whole fruits in a freezer bag in the event that I don’t eat them fast enough.  The tomatoes, I can google a gazpacho recipe or a raw marinara if I don’t use them in enough time.  I will definitely use the greens, as I am really fond of salads. 

My favorite salad recipe right now:

First, I took about 1# of almonds and chopped them up in my food processor (could have used a knife, but I’m a fan of convenience, speed and smaller mess), then added about 3 T of sesame oil and a bunch of sea salt and mixed it up in a bowl. I set that aside.

Then, I chopped up 1 romaine heart, added a good sized handful of baby spring mix and chopped 10 cherub tomatoes in half and threw it all in a bowl with a large handful of broccoli florets.  I doused it all in olive oil, squirted the juice of 1/2 a fresh lemon over that and about 1/4 cup of the sesame oil/almond/salt mixture.  I mixed all of that up really well and grabbed a fork.  This salad is HUGE and will satiate any appetite!  A good addition would be some chopped basil, but l won’t be picking up herbs until later today.  This is a great, basic salad that is filling and tastes really great!

Alright, I am really craving that salad now, so I’m outskies.  More to share later on, including pics tomorrow morning!  Thanks for tuning in!  

Love,

Andrea

Juice Cleanse Tranitional Week Starts Today!

I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS!

Up to this point, I have attempted juice fasts, but always on my own and I have yet to make it halfway through day 2.  This time, I have hired a team of professionals (The Raw Divas) to assist me in this endeavor and I'm REALLY PUMPED!

I just downloaded their transitional week recipe book and shopping list.  The CHEF in me wants to trash this list all together and 'go my own way', but the HUMAN in me wants to simply follow the plan.  I am going with the human in me today.  Being a good little human, I am armed with my Sam's Club card, my shopping list and am on my way out the door!

I have to say I am a bit concerned about just having a smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a smoothie or soup for dinner!  Not concerned about nutrition, but dammit! I LOVE TO EAT (which is the thinking that got me in the body predicament I am in, so I'm not listenin)!  Not to mention that eating is a real source of entertainment for me.

I am happy to do this cleanse, it gives me something to focus on other than 'What am I going to eat next?'.  It will also allow me to recalibrate my relationship with food and transform it back into the loving relationship with myself it once was and tune into my real reason for eating in the first place:  to nourish my body.  I have developed some habits of eating for many reasons other than that over the last year - entertainment, taste, emotional (whether for celebration or sadness), social, as in business or networking), etc, etc, etc.  Believe me, they have shown up in some funky ways!

I have yet to decide how I am going to exercise throughout this cleanse, so I will likely play it by ear.  I am thinking yoga every day for probably an hour, and maybe some pilates - because pilates = results!  I haven't touched my P90X tapes in a while, they are just plain annoying and I would rather spend 1/2 hour sweating on an elliptical machine with some great music.  The P90X workouts are fantastic - but you have to be SUPER motivated.  After a week or so, I found myself standing and glaring at my TV for a lot of the workout, so it really wasn't doing me much good.  The machines work better for me - and running once I lose some more weight - because I HAVE to keep moving or it beeps at me.  Music is also a big motivator for me, and P90X leaves a lot to be desired in the music department.  If you are like me and music moves you, then I would suggest a good old fashioned elliptical or stairmaster workout!  I have also added a couple of group exercise classes to my weekly schedule, one of them is bellydancing.  It is a blast and I love the social setting, it keeps me motivated to go because I get to talk to people and have a great time and I'm learning something.  Also, watching myself in the mirror and seeing my body do things that are sexy and things I once thought impossible for me to do benefits me in two ways:  1) I feel sexy (and who wouldn't want to feel that?) 2.) I feel a sense of accomplishment.  Also, its a great core workout.

Ok, I am off to shop.  This will be fun!

Because I am going 100% Raw for this transition, here are some before pictures I am taking right now (no makeup, so BEWARE! Lol).  

 You know, I look at these pics and genuinely enjoy this body.  It is not the magazine type of sexy, there are definitely curves and bumps and nooks and crannies (lol), but it is soft, squeezable and delicious!

What I enjoy more, though, is a body that can run 5 miles.  A body that can run 1 mile without my knees swelling up in rebellion would be FANTASTIC!  A body without cellulite - or at least less.  Yes, I am aware that I am 30 years old and that some things 'just happen' with age.  I don't buy it, though.  Things happen after years of poor choices.  Muscles atrophy from lack of exercise,

 undigested food and junk build up in the colon from lack of adequate fiber and water intake, and the skin sags and wrinkles from more of the above mentioned.
I will age gracefully and beautifully, like a glass of fine wine, rather than a shriveled up fat little raisin, complaining about aches and pains and lack of energy so commonly accepted by the majority of the population in place of good food choices and a little bit of discipline.  The discipline is really only required for a short while, I believe, as once results start showing up, I, personally, find it hard to do things any other way and I find my body really begins to crave that exercise, water and good food.  Once that happens, it is only a matter of time before it becomes HABIT.

If you have been a subscriber for a while, you will notice that I have made quite a bit of progress from when I first posted pictures!  Also, when I first posted those pictures, I had already lost almost 60 pounds!  I was a mean 197 after I gave birth to my daughter.  I would guess that right now I am about 175.  An earlier post estimated 165, but my guestimate was 10 pounds off!

Mmmm, look at those curves!  

Sam's Club LOOK OUT!  This sexy momma is on the loose!



Thanks for tuning in!  See you soon!

Love,
Andrea

Grossing Myself OUT! And reeling it back IN!

I am not sure why I do this, but knowing that I am going on a juice binge/fast/cleanse/feast (depending on who's selling what book, lol), my eating habits have taken a turn for what I can describe as none other than "a last hurrah".

I have wanted coffee, hot dogs, pasta, capn crunch - yep, I ate it!  All I can say is that after the last few days, I am feeling mighty gross!  I feel 'icky', sticky, slimy, gooey and so many other adjectives in blatant contrast of how I feel when I eat what I know is good for me.

I am approaching this barrage of grossout with a few questions:  What is this all about?  Is there a 9 year old inside of me that never fully expressed herself?  Am I simply cycling through my old eating patterns as they are on the outskies?  How do I prepare myself for 'not wanting' these things in the future?

Suddenly, it pops into my head. Duh! All of the above.  I believe that, yes, my body is cycling through somewhat of a 'last hurrah', squeezing in as much 'junk' as it can before I cut the cord.  I am doing exactly what I need to do to prepare myself for these 10 days of what will seem really hard at the time, I am sure, but once it is over, will be one of the greatest and exalting feelings I will ever have!  I now know and understand what these foods 'really' feel like - the antithesis of energy - and am really looking forward to this weeks' preparation for next weeks juice fast.  At this time, I anxiously await my email with the guided preparation!

Being a well-being coach and a raw food chef, I laugh at myself for the time period of pregnancy - now. When I drop those two titles and see myself as simply a human being, it is easier to be compassionate and understand where all of these things are coming from.  There are no excuses, I am simply a powerful person on a mission and there are experiences that I need to have to allow me to be who I need to be to do what I am here to do - easy enough to understand.  I now know and 'get' the trials that are present for all of us when we are making positive changes in our lifestyles and how easy it is to get sidetracked by 'just one bite' or 'I'll just start over tomorrow'.  UNDERSTOOD.  Now, ready to move on!

Yet, as icky as I feel, there is still an almost irresistable urge inside of me for one last bag of chips, then one last bowl of ice cream, one last bowl of cap'n crunch, one last of whatever you could possibly imagine! One last cup of coffee...etc.  There is part of me that wishes I could capture this 'ickyness' on tape.  I can only capture the physical, though.

I could have tried harder to make this look like a 'bad' pic....let's see the one below it!  All I had to do was post the pic of what I looked like this morning right after having woken up plus add some 'slouching', see what a difference it makes?  Last night I ate rice with a homemade gravy from flour, milk, oil, and salt (at around midnight, lol) and that is the mug I woke up with!   Inflammation is such a bummer! When I stay away from processed food and dairy - and corn for some reason - I do NOT wake up with 'puffy balloon face'.  Puffy balloon face also walks hand in hand with 'wow, I feel shitty, let's compound that with some more crap' thinking and 'you know, I've worked out for the last week, today I'm going to take a day off (which turns into three days at least)' thinking.


The point here is that I see a correlation - or should I see the chain reaction/domino effect that one poor/misguided/lazy/'relaxation of standard decision can make.  Of the likely millions of choices I can make in a day, wouldn't I want to make the best ones so that in a year I'm really reaping the benefits, rather than still sitting in this chair ruminating on why 'being reasonable with my health' isn't working out? FOMAL.  So, if you call me for a coaching session and tell me you want to do something 'reasonable' with your diet, I will simply ask you why you called me and refer you back to your current diet which is getting you those same stellar, reasonable results that brought you to me in the first place!

Love you, love me, loving my choices, the process and this adventure!

That being said, I am VERY excited about the ensuing transformation and all of the sexy things that will come along with it.  I hope you'll tune in with me and watch me to see what happens when I start making different choices with my diet - again, lol.  I feel that a juice binge is a great way to wipe the slate clean!  If you are interested in juice feasting/fasting/bingeing/cleansinge along with me, here is the link to the program I will be using. HURRY THOUGH! I think they stop taking clients on at the END OF THE DAY TODAY!


http://www.therawdivas.com/10-day-juice-cleanse

NO, I get NO KICKBACK for this link.  I think these ladies are talented at what they do and will never hesitate to pass on what I think is great information - whether I profit from it or not.

Love,
Andrea

100 THINGS THAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR!

1. My daughter.
2. I live in a free country.
3. Cats!
4. My car is paid off.
5. I can/know how to/do save money.
6. Toastmasters!
7.  I have some amazing friends.
8.  I have a great family.
9.  I have perfectly functioning organs and limbs.
10. I know what I should be doing, I just don't always do it.
11.  Common sense.
12.  Air to breathe.
13.  I wake up without an alarm clock.
14.  People like this blog!
15.  My path and everything in it.
16.  Computers.
17.  Touch.
18.  Hugs!
19.  Slobbery baby kisses.
20.  The noise my daughter makes ONLY when she is eating her oats.
21.  Bananas!
22.  Wicked casserole
23.  Mad cooking skills!
24.  Yoga.
25.  The air I breathe.
26.  My bed.
27.  Sleep.
28.  Food!
29.  The privilege of making choices.
30.  Fourth of July fireworks.
31.  Meeting new people.
32.  New friends.
33.  Old friends.
34.  Lessons learned.
35.  Lessons I will learn.
36. College.
37.  Being 30 - finally!
38.  Relaxation.
39.  Coupons.
40.  Exotic places.
41.  People of many colors, shapes, sizes and cultures.
42.  That I have so much to be grateful for.
43.  Resourcefulness.
44.  Initiative.
45.  Perseverance.
46.  Inner Peace.
47.  Wisdom - whether I have it or not!
48.  Synchronicity.
49.  Books.
50.  Jokes.
51.  A sense of humor to get jokes with.
52.  Funny people!
53.  Movies.
54.  Musicians.
55.  Farms.
56.  Farmers.
57.  Courage.
58.  Discipline.
59.  Success.
60.  30 day return policies, lol.
61.  Shopping!
62.  Farmer's Markets!
63.  Education.
64.  Opportunity.
65.  Organization.
66.  Analysis.
67.  weather.com
68.  Hawai'i.
69.  Kansas.
70.  California!
71.  Preparation.
72.  Rewards.
73.  Attention to detail.
74.  Paint!
75.  Furniture.
76.  Style.
77.  Space.
78.  Recycling.
79.  Biodiversity.
80.  People who are smarter than me.
81.  The stupid people who teach me lessons about myself everyday.
82. Grace.
83.  Forgiveness.
84.  Challenge.
85.  Siestas.
86.  Art.
87.  Final Friday!
88.  Hula hoops!
89.  Fire.
90.  Wa-ter.
91.  Count Dracula - he's so funny =D
92.  Happy childhood memories.
93.  My grandparents.
94.  My mom.
95.  Learning.
96.  Inspirational quotes.
97.  Sharing myself with others.
98.  Turning the other cheek.
99.  My foot can reach my mouth when it needs to.
100.  Gardens.

My Cup Overfloweth - and So Doth My Plate!

I should have smiled!

Oh! The feeling of being FULL.  So full that I can/could barely walk.  So full that within 10 minutes of leaving the dinner table, I am/was slumped over asleep on the couch!

Call it comfort eating, call it overindulgence, I call it ‘the American Way’.  I don’t know many people who - at some point during their week, possibly even daily - don’t eat this way.  Is it healthy?  I don’t think so, no matter what we are eating.  I learned this - or taught myself this - eating habit at an incredibly young age.  I retrained my tastebuds and my eating habits, from the age of 24-26.  Once I became pregnant, I had, or my body had, completely forgotten how to ride the bicycle called satiety and is still rocking the training wheels.

I have heard that while pregnant, a woman cycles back through all of her life experiences and has a chance to ‘experience’ them all over again.  For me, this was the case.  Also, for me, the only thing I can compare it to is quitting smoking for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time, each time exponentially more difficult than the last.

I have said this before, I think:  The first time I went raw, I did it overnight.  Whatever it was that sparked that intense burst of inspiration to carry me on through the next few years was incredibly powerful.  At the time, I was 24 and a bartender, a dj and a slam poet of sorts.  I was immersed in a world I would call ‘the night life’.  Surrounded by people with some pretty insane habits and routines - and I was one of them.  I think at some point, which must have been the day I ate a fully raw meal for the first time at Karyn’s in Chicago, I caught a glimpse of what was possible in the realm of ‘feeling’ regarding being healthy.  Maybe, just maybe, I got mad enough to leave it all behind.  What followed in the next four years was an amazing transformation, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  It continues to unfold everyday, although I am not exactly a ‘100 percent raw foodie’.  This is part of my journey.

“What is in the way, is the way.” Guy Finley

I read this out of a longer quote posted on a friends facebook page yesterday.  What I typed is simply what I would consider the most important piece out of all of what I would consider to be his ‘logorreahic’ method of making incredibly simple things into way too many words.  But I digress.

Actually, there it is.  I am making a mountain out of a molehill.  I can remember after a couple of years being raw and having read a considerable amount of books on “The Raw Food Diet”, laughing because I had a hard time understanding why people would spend more time reading about Raw Food than actually just eating Raw Food.  The logic - or complete lack thereof, defied me.  I would see people ‘on the search’ for answers to some of the most pointless questions - meaningless distractions.  Fast forward 6 years later, I am that person.  I am that person thinking that ‘if I could just find an interesting book to spark my fire, suddenly my passion for raw food will be reignited.  I have to laugh at being ‘that guy’ I used to laugh at.  

Not too bad, I'm getting there!

I can see where this echos out in ripples throughout my life.  For example, I also have had a fascination with facebook in as much as when I log out, I feel regret, like I have ‘wasted time’ I could have spent doing something more valuable.  The fixer in me may think that reading a book on how to get organized would be a great and inspiring solution, when in fact, the best idea may be simply to dodge my urge to get on facebook and instead fast forward myself in my mind to what I would think I ‘should have done’ after I logged out of facebook and just do that instead.  I hope there is at least one person still on this train of thought with me! If I have lost you, my apologies.  I am making a correlation between my eating habits and other lifestyle habits and trying to demonstrate how they are related and it is my hope I am delivering it clearly.  I hope I am delivering it clearly because I believe if I can address the root cause of all of this distraction and relieve it, all things emanating from it will cease.

To put it in short, my fascination with facebook is to my love for distraction as my fascination with eating and regretting it later is to my love for/my addiction to a guilty feeling.  The same could also be said for pretty much anything I do in place of what I really feel and know is best at that time.  It is simply an aberration from what is important to me at my core.  How did I get here to this spot of comfort in discomfort - and not the healthy discomfort?  That thought right there is simply another distraction.  Do you see where I am going with this?  There is always a payoff!  Although, I may not honestly be willing or able to see it, I want one result more than the other.  I want to feel regretful more than I want to feel accomplished.  I want to have my eating to complain about more than I want to feel the power of discretion.  Whether this stems from the complete arrogance I had when I was high raw before - because I was a total a-hole about food - and my fear of becoming that person again, or I am just plain lazy, only time -  and deep inquiry - will tell.

I feel the best way to approach things right now is to wonder what all of this distraction is about.  I could ask myself: What process am I trying to slow down with these pearls of distraction?  Is there fear here?  Fear of what?  Am I scared to feel great again because I will lose my ability to relate to my family and friends and their aches and pains, illness and problems?  Am I afraid to rise above because the eagle soars alone?  Do I wish I were simply able to just ‘let loose’ and be indifferent about things?  How do I approach raw food in a way that doesn’t alienate the people around me?

I LOVE MY BODY, REALLY =D

The answer to the last question I come up with immediately is: there isn’t a way to approach raw food that doesn’t alienate people.  I feel it confronts people’s beliefs and fundamental foundation of life in such a way that right away people feel overwhelmed and offended.  This also is based in the belief that the simple act of eating in itself is so deeply rooted in our lives that any thought of doing ‘eating’ in a different way throws us for quite a loop!  This is my instant point of view.  I know that right now when I am around 100% raw foodies I feel alienated!  I can feel the machinery in my head start running beneath my calm, warm exterior, justifying my lack of diligence and discretion, shooting down anything I can about the other’s ‘being’, telling myself that there’s no way they can feel ‘that great’, when I, myself, truly know better after over 4 years of experience myself!

Where this is all leading is that I am aware of my intentional misleading of myself and I am in a complete sense of wonder about it.  There are other places I could go with this, but I prefer to stay here and ask myself thoughtful questions like the ones above and see what I come up with.  Approaching myself like a dirty cop in an interrogation room will get me nowhere.  However, maybe with a coffee and some doughnuts - pun intended - this little hungry person inside will be more willing to spill her beans and let go.  Until then, I see my body in pictures and in bellydance class and right now, I genuinely love it.  I wish I had some crazy daisy philosophy to pin it to, but really, I don't.  I am sexy!  There are some changes I would love to see and I will see them when I make the appropriate adjustments - and I know that I will.  Life is too short to trip.  I have so much to be grateful for and to realize that I am a human with perfectly functioning limbs, eyes and ears, that I get to eat each day whenever and whatever I choose, I am youthful, I have a healthy, beautiful body and pretty much any opportunity within my imagination - as long as I am willing to do what it takes to seize it - is within my reach, is a blessing in itself.

What are your thoughts on this?  I am interested if you see any parallels in your own life, or think I am simply bat shit crazy. Maybe you see some resemblance here and there or maybe I lost you somewhere.  Either way, I would love for you to share your thoughts with me!

Thanks for tuning in, until next time:

Love,

Andrea

Eating, Then and Now

Me:  “I eat like a bird.”

Grandma:  “Yeah, a vulture!”

As a kid, I can remember being called a ‘big eater’ and feeling proud of myself when I would get cheered on well through my second helping of food.  On my dad’s side of the family, there weren’t many ‘skinny’ women.  It wasn’t valued as part of our family culture.  Whether that was because they were all fat and weren’t doing anything about it, or it simply wasn’t important to them, they certainly weren’t going to have it be a part of my system of values, either.  I was affectionately referred to as ‘big boned’, and when people would meet me, I would beam with pride as they would remark about how tall I was.  Really, it was what they weren’t saying that may have been useful to hear, but then again, at such a young age, how could I have had the means to correct my situation? 

I can remember the satisfaction I felt from being so full that I couldn't do much more than waddle my little butt over to the couch and fall asleep.  What a great habit to start at such a young age!

As I got into middle and high school, I always had a ‘pooch’.  My mom would constantly remind me to ‘suck in my gut’.  I got into sports like volleyball, as I am a tall person, so my eating habits didn’t show too much, from what I can remember.  However, as I got older, guess what showed up?  Yes! A gut - or as I like to refer to it, a front butt.  I was dating a boy who worked in a shoe store and I’ll never forget the day I went in there and one of his co-workers made the comment, “Yeah, she’s cute, but isn’t she kind of fat?”  How embarrassing, I was 17 years old!  It did give me a bit of a complex.  Having never embraced ‘good’ eating habits and false-priding myself on being a ‘big girl’, I decided that I would just hate skinny, pretty girls with all of my soul, rather than educate myself and remedy the situation.

Fast forward through 8 years of tumultuous relations with my image and I was finally willing to admit the truth.  Yes! I wanted to be thin and feel sexy.  Does it take being thin to feel sexy?  No!  I only know that now after having been thin and still not being happy with the person that I was.  Yes, it is all about the inside, but sometimes the reflection of the inside is what shows up on the outside.

For example:  are you overweight and your house is cluttered and your mind/thinking disorganized?  Are you hanging on to tons of old ‘stuff’ (clothes, things with ‘sentimental value’) trying to relive those ‘glory days’?  Are you hoping that some day you’ll fit into those pants again?  Does money seem to slip through your fingers like sand?  If so, I CAN RELATE!  The keys to unlocking what is holding us back may be right at the end of our noses, all we have to do is take an honest look down.

What has helped me the most as of late has been to both physically and mentally move on.  I gave all of my ‘hot bartender’ clothes to a girl who could fit into them and updated my wardrobe to something more resembling who I am as a person now, not who I was - or who I think I want to get back to.  That girl was just that:  a hot girl.  I am woman, I am mother, I am life.  I no longer open my closet to boxes of wishes for a body that no longer exists and a self-loathing that I am not that way right now.  

What it has done for me:  It has allowed me to reconcile who I was with who I am and allowed me to make peace with and embrace the present.  I feel like before anything can/will change, I need to be content with the present - and get that other foot out of the past.

So, my suggestion:  if there is something you haven’t used or worn for 6 months or more, get rid of it.  If it’s a box and you don’t know what’s in it - don’t even open it! Just get it out of your house.  Allow what is no longer serving you to serve someone else, it will be a huge weight off of your shoulders and a fantastic feeling to have all of that open space where there used to be clutter and an endless to-do list!

I would also love to share that my 30 days 100% plan was another epic fail!  I am at peace with it.  It will come when the time is right for me.  My exercise routine has also changed, and probably will continue to evolve, as I have found that I am not someone who can do the same thing over and over and over again.

What DOES work for me:  great motivating music, which is different for everyone.  I can get down on the elliptical machine at a level 6 for 30 minutes, which takes me roughly 2.25-2.5 miles - if I am jamming to good music.  The kind of tunes that motivate me are songs that make me want to dance.  Something different may work for you.  When I was running, I really liked classical and jazz.  For now, I need the pounding bass to keep my butt in gear. 

I have also began to enjoy pilates again.  I like it because it works my whole body at once and offers exercises that lean and lengthen, which are of huge benefit to me right now.  

The bottom line:  I do my best to work out for 1.5 hours/day, no matter what I am doing.  Right now, it is generally a combination of cardio, yoga and pilates - and that could easily change.  

As far as eating goes, I eat as much raw, unprocessed whole food as I can and I realize it is going to take some time to turn this ship.  I also drink at least 2 liters of water/day, more if I am working outside in the heat! I am willing to be patient and loving to myself no matter what and that feels a lot better than anything else.

With regard to eating and exercise, what have you found lately, or in the past, that works for you?  How are you doing with your workout routine?

Building Steam with a Grain of Salt

I feel like I’m FINALLY gaining some SERIOUS ground on this whole ‘weight loss’ thing and am really starting to feel great (4 days raw, woohoo).  I am impressed by how quickly results show up with raw food.

I would love to share a few tips on how these things are happening:

1. FIND WHAT MOTIVATES YOU.  I did what I had been avoiding doing the whole time I was ‘trying’ to lose weight, which was ‘get real’ with myself about how I was feeling.  It is a lot easier for me to ‘lie’ to fit in with my friends and pretend to be happy with myself ‘the way I am’.  The fact of the matter was, I was smiling on the outside and crying on the inside.  Truthfully, I think it is just fine to admit that you’re unhappy with the way you look.  Just because it may cause some confrontation/discomfort within your circle of friends is no reason to lie to yourself.  Just today, a few of my friends boned up and asked me about some things they could do to start helping themselves be healthier.  For me, motivation comes from being honest with myself and getting a good picture of where I’m at vs. where I want to be.  From there, I can set a goal.  I may fall short each day, but in 6 months, I can be there.
2. GET REAL.  I MEAN, REALLY REAL.  I took some pictures of both front and back; I won’t lie, it was pretty devastating, yet at the same time, I knew that six months from now I will look back and realize that those pictures were the turning point and really helped me to make better decisions about how I was spending my time and what I was putting in my mouth - even if it was nibble by nibble.
3. BREAK IT DOWN.  Or, should I say, ADD IT UP.  It started when I realized I had eating a WHOLE BAG of Sunchips in 1 week.  Nibble by nibble, NO! I wasn’t eating that much.  However, by the end of the week, it was an entire bag of chips.  Add that to everything else I was ‘nibbling’ on, I really was creating a monster - and it wasn’t under my bed!
4. DON’T BE AFRAID TO TRY AND FAIL.  I have started P90X and quit it at least 3 times now.  That is just in 1 month.  I have found on some days, I would rather just do yoga, other days, I would rather just ‘run’ on an elliptical machine.  Some days, I only have time for 10 or15 minutes of exercise or simply stretching.  I do my best to DO SOMETHING every day toward my health.  It may not be as much as I want to do, but I know that just being in the habit of doing things will make a HUGE difference.  So, nibble on exercise!
5. BE AWARE OF THE LITTLE THINGS...see above paragraph.
6. FIND A COMMUNITY - OR CREATE ONE.  I started a Raw Food Meetup Group here in Wichita and we have a meetup at least once per month.  It is so fun and refreshing to get together with a few people and eat healthy food!  NOT all of our members are Raw, or even Vegan!  We all do share a commonality of enjoying Raw Foods, though, and getting together and doing something healthy.  It is also a blast to try out other people’s flavors and trade recipes.  Everyone is in a different space as far as food preparation goes and there are some amazing dishes traded around.

Where do you get ‘stuck’ with your goals?  What are some things you have found that help you to get over hurdles? They could help us too!  I invite your feedback and as always, thank you so much for tuning in!

The First of Many More to Come....A WAVE OF GRATITUDE, how splendid.

I feel so loved!

Whether it is because I just got home from another fantastic meetup, ate some delicious raw food and talked with some old friends - and made some beautiful new friends, or because I have eaten all raw food today and my body is just ringing with joy, I am unable to distinguish; all I know is that I feel amazing and really lucky to be me.

There is something about my existence right now that is totally euphoric.  I am so grateful to live the life I live that I could just cry little tears of joy.

I am not even sure how many people voted for my 5in5 hot raw chef video today, but people I didn't even ask came out of the woodwork and voted for me and told their friends to vote for me, it was pretty incredible.

I think I've got it!  Not only do I feel loved, but also supported, cheered on.  Like what I am doing matters and people are excited about it.  This is a wonderful feeling.  A friend on Facebook asked me what to do with all of her cucumbers and I was easily able to give her a few ideas, that felt good.  I love helping people.

I love that so many people here have gardens.

I love that I have a beautiful little baby girl that lights up my life everytime I think about her.

I love that tonight I was surrounded by such warm and beautiful people.

I love that people who just joined my meetup group graciously opened their home to us and shared their family and lives with us.

What a beautiful group we had tonight.  What incredible food, I can still taste Annie's gazpacho, it was so bright and fiery!  Tyann brought a delicious kale salad from her garden and it was fantastic.  Brinn brought some raw 'sausage' made from cabbage and caraway and other ingredients.  Carol, Mike and their son, Mel provided sushi, which was a welcome treat!

Thank you all, you are such cool people, I am so lucky to know you =D Thank you, little baby Aya for being so beautiful and sweet.  Thank you life for granting me another day here.

Thank you for reading my blog =D

Love,
Andrea

ADIOS COFFEE!

This morning, I say 'Adios,' to the warm, enchanting smell of coffee and trade it in for 1 liter of water and the juice of 1 lemon + cayenne pepper.  I am interested to see how this compares, as I used to drink it every - morning in a time which seems so long ago - and I would often recommend it to my clients as a coffee substitute.  So here goes!

If you are considering giving up coffee, there is also a great coffee subsitute called 'teecino' (http:// www.teecino.com) that I consider delicious!  It's by far the best one I have found tastewise.  I like it for the idea of 'transitioning' from coffee, because you can mix it in with your coffee, gradually weening yourself off.

I have discovered, over the last few months, that I am simply not a 'weening' kind of person.  I am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal.  Gray area is not my specialty and isn't a particularly interesting place for me.  Although, it does look quite sexy on other people!  I like it balls to the wall and I will allow myself to embrace that part of me.

Also, a smoothie is lined up for today, along with some miso chili kelp noodles - we'll see how all of that turns out.  I'll post some pictures here in a bit, along with some interesting pros and cons about coffee.  Thanks for tuning in, my little pod of readers, you guys are fantastic and I appreciate the support.  This morning, I feel like  a queen, with 2.16 miles underneath my belt already, I lean into the day with a spring in my step and big plans!

Also, if you're in the Wichita area, there is a raw food meetup this afternoon, you can find more information about it @: http://www.meetup.com/rawfoodinwichita.

Love,
Andrea

Back in BLACK! Well.....Eh....

 YES!  I am sweating! A LOT.  More than I have in a long time.  At one point, I was dripping, it feels SO GREAT!  

For the first time in a long time, tonight, I RAN.  Well, not 'really' ran, but on an elliptical trainer.  I am a bit 'larger' than my knees would like to be hitting the pavement just yet.  However, I still broke a nice sweat and managed 2.5 miles - in forty minutes, lol!  No worries, I won't be having this same conversation (nor will I have that same 'look' from behind - see photo, sigh) in 2 months.

I am going to do it, I am posting the photo(s) that motivated me to get my ass on that elliptical machine tonight at almost midnight, as my plan was to 'forego' my workout tonight. 

Out of curiosity, I decided to check myself out in photo booth.  As it turns out, it was a GREAT idea.  A hell of a shock, but a great idea.  WOW, I can honestly say I am in the 'least' shape I have ever been in.  Yes, yes, I 'just had a baby' - almost 6 months ago.  Yes, yes, I have dropped 45 pounds in those 6 months, but I GAINED 83, so I have a ways to go.  

Considering I haven't changed my eating until recently, I can easily shed the remaining 25 in the next couple of months, as a lot of it is probably just 'junk' hanging out in my intestines.  The rest is GOING TO GET WORKED!

Running has done for me what P90X has yet to do, which was get me sweating 'balls' in very little time.  With the P90X, the tape is sooo long (60 minutes on most, yoga 1.5 hours), that I tend to 'take it easy' or let myself off easy with it.  And the music is lame-o.  On that elliptical, I put on my ipod, my super sexy sony headphones and JAM ON IT to the music of my choice, which is super inspiring and keeps me at a good clip - as good as a fat kid can get, lol.

Please take me the right way, I can see how it may appear I am being hard on myself, yet, I know what it looks and feels like to be in fantastic shape and it feels a lot different than this!  I may have a different relationship with my body than a lot of people.  I know some people feel better when they are more relaxed about what they eat and drink and how much they exercise - or don't exercise.  Personally, I decided today that that isn't the kind of attitude that works for me.  I am an intense MF and now that I've got that taste for running again, it won't take long before my body follows suit.  At 30, I see myself getting into the best shape of my life this year.  

To celebrate this, I am making myself a raw Lemon Poppyseed Cake for my 'b-lated birthday'.  The plan was to make it on my birthday, BUuuut, my Irish Moss had yet to make it here.  

I am also going 100% raw until August 1st.  No IFS ANDS OR BUTS. No freakin coffee, bites here, nibbles there, etc.  100%.  If I am unsatisfied with my results, ok!  I will happily go back to my willy nilly diet and fit in with all of my friends and feel all comfortable and squishy.  To be honest, a lot of the reason I am eating the way I am eating now is to relate with people and I hope that comes across correctly, as I am fully responsible for that choice.  

However, the time is now to stop sacrificing long term results for short-term 'gains', if that is what I can call them....A friend of mine told me the cutest story today about a cookie and a question from a lil old lady and it was so funny.  I won't elaborate on it, other than to say that I wanted to be like her.  I am not her, though and I love being fit and feeling great about my body.  Can I do that the way it is?  SURE!  I do feel great about my body the way it is, and I also know what it feels like to feel my body sing as I run that last 1/4 mile at top speed just for the hell of it, thighs screaming, stretching four feet in front of me gracefully as I cross the finish line.  I know what it feels like to watch myself work out in the mirror and be proud of what I see!

It isn't that I'm not proud of my body right now, it just isn't optimal for me.  There is no way in hell I could ever do a pull-up. Is that REALLY necessary?  No.  But neither is knowing how to bake a macaroon.  Yet, some of us know!  You get me?  We are all different, and I am most centered when I can get up off of the floor without using my hands and making a bunch of groaning noises.  I am most centered when I put on a size 7.  That's what floats my boat and I am the captain of this ship.  So, I am lifting my sails and setting my course by the stars.

Thanks for tuning in, perhaps I will make a video of that cake making. It's a long process, though, but the finished product is well worth the investment.  Just like a nicely sculpted body.  Like the one pictured to the left, before I was pregnant - yeah!  Who WOULDN'T want to get back to that?  It looks like two different people, not for long!