Do you ever have one of those days where EVERYTHING just feels like too much?
I am having one of those days! Even watching a DVD feels like a lot of work.
My day started off like this: I went to the post office and upon arriving, figured out that it was ten minutes to 8am, which means the post office was not open yet. SIGH. Ten minutes is a long time to sit in the car, especially for baby Aya. I thought, 'Eff it, I'm going to drive to Starbucks and grab a coffee, I DESERVE IT!'
I am glad that on my way there, my reasoning and sense got the best of me and I decided to turn around and fend off the urge to get the coffee. My thought was, 'If I keep failing, when am I going to allow myself to succeed?' After all, considering my commitment to ending my love affair with coffee, would that not be a breach of integrity, even if I did it 'just this once' again (lol)?
Once home, I was flooded with emotion. Feelings of defeat, a bit of hopelessness and on top of it, I just feel tired. My poor little baby is teething and she really needs a lot of attention. The other things that need my attention have been put on the back burner for now (Toastmasters, etc). What can I say? This is what cleansing is all about: being present to the emotions that come up when we remove the barriers that we create with food and whatever other substances many of us may use to suppress them, whether it be food, alcohol, other emotions (like anger). Emotions are a powerful thing and it was all I could do to simply 'be' and just ride it out. I sit here now, feeling grateful that the first wave of the day seems to be complete. It's hard to remind myself that I am simply cleansing when these things come up, they seem so 'real' and 'current' and maybe they are! Of course they are! I am standing at the base of a huge mountain!
I thought, 'Wow, I am feeling REALLY down, what can I do to "pick myself up"? My first thought was: exercise, followed by the next thought: gawd no! Aya was still awake and I was exhausted. I have learned from the past that yes, sometimes it works to get up and 'do something' when I am feeling down. Somehow, my body was telling me that wasn't the right thing to do. It is often my first response to work myself harder when I am tired. Today is different. I am taking it easy. I may do this for the entire cleanse and really learn how to appreciate the human life inside of me. Just reading that last sentence brings tears to my eyes, which tells me it is the right thing to do. I need to really get in touch with 'ME', and allow the softer side to come out. That side of myself is the side I want to use to make my future decisions in life, answer the burning questions that I have, and lead and allow the transformation that needs to take place both inside and out.
I googled 'feeling defeated' to see if there was any good blogging out there or any helpful suggestions or quotes on the subject. I found a few religious articles (not really my particular brand of uplifting disco), and a lot of questions about the subject, but really no solid 'advice'.
Then, it came to me: EMBRACE THE DEFEAT.
The fight is over, the lights are out, the parking lot is empty. Everyone has gone home. Picture me, still in the ring, gloves on, swinging at my own shadow.
Take the gloves off. Go home and get some rest. So I lost one; what I lost, I don't know! The defeat is coming from somewhere, maybe the past, maybe from some present issue I am not acknowledging. It really doesn't matter. Look it in the eye with open arms.
I feel it's important to acknowledge the hard times. I do wish I had stories full of butterflies and sparkles to share, but cleansing is not easy, it is REAL. Real life shows up when there is nothing to hide it behind and it's not always pretty. I am excited for the day when the results really start to show. Right now, I am just digging a new groove into my life and shutting the old one down. It takes time, if you can identify, hang in there it will get better!
I feel like watching a show now. Maybe some cauliflower popcorn and a movie. Maybe after that some yoga. Today will be a gentle day.
No comments:
Post a Comment